This particular post is to date, proving to be my most difficult one yet. I've been searching my mind frantically, like how I would search my dresser drawers for that matching sock that goes so well with my beige loafers or my jewelry box, for the pair of earrings that someone special gave me for my birthday. For some reason, these familiar items got misplaced. Perhaps, they suffered from overuse or neglect but today is the day that I search.
I've rummaged through my minds memories, its favorite moments full of love and romance, drawer by drawer, to no avail. I simply can’t find the words to match the emotions that have been traveling through my entire being for the past few days. Maybe they’ve always been there, in fact, I’m quite sure of it but as of right now, I can’t bear to keep them hidden from pen and paper any longer. The only missing detail to my freedom…is how to express myself.
I’ll start where I can. Last Saturday I went to see Silver Linings Playbook starring Bradly Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence. I stood back and listened to the reviews, the award nominations, the acceptance speeches and the interviews of the stars in the movie with bubbling curiosity. My question: How romantic can it be to watch two people with overt personality disorders fall in love? The answer: very. There are many things that I can comment on about the move but in case you have not seen it yet, I choose not to spoil it for you, entirely. I will say this with misty eyes: The idea, the very idea of going through your entire life feeling like two left shoes or a sneaker in a room full of high heels, consumed with angst and unfiltered emotions…can be an overwhelming thought.
Looking for love, for acceptance, and having to settle for a fraction of both from the people in your life, can result in the tendency to view yourself through a myopic lens, leaving no room to see you through someone else’s eyes.
If this happens to be our own personal experience, at times, we can render ourselves unlovable.
These two leading characters had everything going against them in the natural world. They had pain, tragedy, families that just didn't know how to help or relate to them and the daily conflict of trying to put one foot in front of the other. Those familiar grips, spoke to me loudly. It doesn't matter how far off the deep end you've gone, we have all been overwhelmed in this life at one time or another. The one thing that we never expect is what this story delivers, someone else having the same human experience, who sees our pain and chooses to run with us, instead of away from us. For the ‘unlovable’ it’s simply a pipe dream that we can’t afford to invest our hearts in. We are so damaged in our thinking that if this scenario actually did happen, we would probably sabotage our own beautiful new beginning by rejecting the one that sees and cares.
What if this wasn't just a well written script with young attractive actors? What if God, in his infinite wisdom and panoramic perspective, has chosen someone (for those of us whose hearts are seeking silently) who knows what it’s like to feel misplaced in this world and can relate to our quirky minds and enlarged hearts?
At some point I put down my popcorn and stopped sipping on my soda, just to soak in the pure emotion of this movie. Like fire, emotion not bad…emotion…good, it’s all in how you use it. I watched as he defended her honor, while she finally decided to stop fighting long enough to let her heart take over. I watched two mismatched souls of society find the perfect fit in one another and during those moments, hope began to bloom for me.
The idea, that I could finally be seen through similar eyes and a knowing heart, is more than I could ask for.
You see, creativity has left its odd ball mark on me, to the degree of me desiring to be a recluse most days, just to avoid borrowed sunlight and eyes that can’t relate. Movies speak to me, books speak to me, music…ah sweet, sweet music speaks to me in clear mind blowing ways. I’m just wondering if someone out there somewhere doesn't mind trading tunes with me some day and reading to me from their favorite books, so that I can share in their passion as well.
I felt at first that writing this blog would be too much like baring my secret soul…but if these words have helped someone else, who like me, thinks in unconventional terms, feel hopeful about a future love, then baring my soul will indeed have a silver lining…