Monday, April 14, 2014

Reality Checks Don't Bounce...

I know what it’s like to be a dreamer. I recently identified that I have been a dreamer for as long as I can remember.  As a child, it’s how I began to deal with grief. It’s how I found visions for my life. I dreamed of being a famous writer, of having a beautiful home, of living somewhere amazing but mostly…I dreamed of love.

I will spare you all of my gushy schoolgirl details of what I thought love to be but I will tell you that I equated love to being rescued. Whoever my Knight was going to be, he most assuredly was going to be the one who swooped in and saved my life. Over the years, he changed in subtle ways in my mind but he was always true to his ability to be my savior.

As I began to grow older, I tried without success to place that savior’s badge on the people who came into my life. Again and again, the badge always seemed to slide off in the course of the relationship, much to my disappointment.  Like the story of Cinderella and the glass slipper, I carried that badge in my pocket and took it with me wherever I went. My heart was on a mission to find my human savior.

When we set out to distinctly fulfill our own dreams or to bring fantasy to life, we come across some very dangerous wolves lurking in the forests of our journey. We get blindsided by our internal needs so much so, that we stop listening to our God given intuitive nature. At least that’s what God showed me when I recently asked Him how good people become delusional.  You see, I was asking God to reveal to me the seed behind pervading spirits like Jezebel and the like. I wanted to know not only how she became so powerful in the church but how she is able to hook so many people along the way.  Out of the many possibilities that exist, the one He highlighted for me was neediness.

Here’s the insight: This spirit began to grow in her/him as a child. Much like all of us, the need for love and affection, affirmation and acceptance went unanswered. The child began to crave a love that she never received. She was often ostracized and left alone. So dreaming became her escape. She dreamed a new family, a new identity, even a new look. She dreamed her way through life and kept going even after life seemed not to deliver. After a while she began to ‘create’ the world that she always wanted strategically. She pushed past the norm and found a way to trail blaze a powerful path. She sought out to set up a kingdom filled with people that could not disappoint her.  This spirit is often at the head of small businesses and ministries. She only allows those into her inner circle that she can control. She offers the world in exchange for your allegiance. She wants longs and needs to be surrounded by people of lesser savvy. She is bold and brazen while feigning modesty. Her agenda is to always stay in control. She morphs quite easily into a complacent person, who admits her fallibility and appreciates the fact that God would choose to use her anyway. She lives in her head most of the time and is often plagued by mental illness that must stay hidden. She is very, very, very smart and gifted, which is the camouflage that she uses to control the people in her sphere of influence. Weak leaders look up to her and married couples don’t stand a chance around her. But most of all, people who want a platform to step out on often fall into her pit more than anyone because she offers her kingdom for such. (See Matthew 4:8-9)

You might ask: What does this have to do with dreaming?

Well, what I have learned is that reality checks can save us from such a downward spiral. When we examine our lives and admit our pains, seek help and forgiveness, we put ourselves in a closer standing with God. When we accept that our Knight in Shining Armor is Christ himself THE HOPE OF GLORY, we take away the need to pin a badge on any other person. When we willingly admit to God that we feel alone, unwanted, depressed and cast aside, we set ourselves up for healing. When we (especially women) reject the need for a tough exterior but instead admit to our emotional needs, we allow God to fill in all of the empty places in our lives.  Yes, reality is a life saver.

Everyone has a God given desire to be loved and accepted. God is the giver of good dreams and when left up to Him, He will fulfill them. The problem begins when we stop believing that He is listening or even cares. The deeper problem is when we take our needs into our own hands, instead of allowing God to examine them and return them in a purer state. The most eye opening part about this spirit for me is that it carries with it an unfulfilled lust that can never seem to be satisfied enough, so it “dreams” up ways to further entrap people like a hungry hunter in the woods. It feasts off of others beauty and drools compliments out of its mouth to evoke a response. This is Jezebel on steroids!

After this startling revelation, which is still unfolding before me, I asked God for a full examination of my inward spirit. I wanted Him to x-ray my heart, mind, intentions, desires etc… I wanted to know what I could do to never end up this way. His response: “reality checks”.  Look at your life exactly for what it is and try not to create a delusional escape. Next, hand me all of your dreams and leave them with me, the ones that are from me will come to pass. The ones that are not, will burn up. This is how you escape the pervading spirit of the witchcraft that is known as The Jezebel Spirit.

We believe dreaming to be an innocent thing and it is. In fact it is God Himself who promises to give us dreams and to fulfill them. Dreaming is not evil. Evil comes when we become so self-absorbed, that we believe we have the ability to be the fulfill-er of dreams, for ourselves and others.

My advice to all of us would be to place a mirror in the living room of our spirit man and stand in it daily. If we can stand still in the presence of God and allow Him to examine what is in that mirror and then follow His instructions as to how to proceed, we have a much stronger chance of becoming whole and living our lives, the good and the bad, without delusions…

Matthew 4:8-9 Again, the devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor. "All this I will give you," he said, "if you will bow down and worship me."

Saturday, April 5, 2014

Prophetic Word for the Spirit of Rebellion

What I see is a heart that seeks for so much love and attention
What I hear are words that summon such love behind a veiled face
Beloved I want to reach you
I want to transform you
I want to heal you
Yet you hide from me
And only show me your downcast eyes
You will not look up
Into the heavens
For fear of exposure
This is where you err
This is where you stray
This is where you meet me
But not the way I planned for you
The deceiver steals your thoughts
Before they are even manifested
He lures you into thinking about your greatness
Just to cast you aside later
Without a repentant heart
You will burn in the desert of the forbidden
You will seek fresh rain with parched lips
And receive nothing
I urge you beloved
Turn to me
Seek my face with all of my heart
While there is still time
No shame
Just grace
Don’t hide beloved
Don’t hide
I need you to stand with me
Not against me
I am for you
And I know the source of your pain
I know your loss
Your wounds
Your secrets
But you must
Bring them to me
I have angels on watch
To guide you safely in my presence
At this hour
At this moment
I wait for you
Turn beloved
And seek my face
Without disgrace
I will hide you
And keep you

In the shadow of my wings…

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Christ is just a stones throw away...

When I read about religious organizations or businesses weighing in on the “hot topics” of today’s political scene and I hear the demand to pick a side, I think about all of the people who have weighed in on my life and my choices. I think about the judgment that comes from choosing divorce over misery or the women who have to put up with abortion condemnation, while still hurting from their own memories. I think about how in order to be a certain type of Christian today, you need to stand up and openly condemn other's choices or struggles while standing between them and God to play judge.

I wonder what it would have been like to (literally) walk with Christ with that mindset.  Picture this: As He reaches out to the hurt and lost, his “followers” smack His hands away and say: “Not them Lord, they’re not worthy of your love or your blessings. Please heal and feed the worthy only.”

 I can’t even imagine the mere attraction to a belief system whose main preoccupation is to isolate others who simply want to cry out to God on their own behalf and receive the same love and grace given freely to all.

I wonder if where we “Christians” are heading has anything to do with the initial directive given by Christ while He walked the earth and how we got so far of course.  John 13:34 “A new command I give you that you love one another just as I have loved you…”

Either we are too busy making noise to divert attention away from our own personal struggles and choices in order to avoid judgment, or we are truly that blind to believe that the way that we have chosen is perfect and spotless.  Are we so brazen to be the one who actually picks up the stone in front of Christ to throw it at the very person/people that He wants to protect and save?  And how did that monster of judgment get to be so big within us?

It is unnecessary to continue with the redundant verbiage of:  “I love the people, I just don’t agree with their lifestyle.” Honestly speaking, no one cares and at this point few people believe that practiced jargon.

Would it be so hard just to say: “I love the people” and leave the rest up to God? 

Friday, March 28, 2014


I was raised in a religious cult. It’s ugly but true. Therefore, I do my best to avoid clicks, social circles or individuals that seem controlling. I also do my level best not to be the source of either of those mindsets. There is a lot of danger in religious cults and many of the people involved in them can be seriously depraved. If you are innocent, honest and seeking, then your vulnerabilities can appear to them like bait on a hook.

At this point in my life, I see relationships, social circles and acquaintances in black and white. They are either good for me or not. They are either in God’s will for me or totally against it. They either flow like an easy stream down river or they clog and push against me like a barricade of rocks.

In the latter case, finding my way to freedom is a must.  The way that I maintain my freedom is to run to Abba and ask: Should I be a part of this? What is the purpose of me being involved? And finally: Did you orchestrate this fellowship?  Whatever the case, He answers and when He does, I try my best to listen.

Relationships on any level are difficult and they frighten me tremendously at times, there are too many people with too many agendas. Some wear masks, others play hiding games. Me, I just want to go into the woods and sit alone with Abba. The problem is, He keeps leading me out of the woods and right back into the stream. I have to trust that when He does that, it’s because He wants me to be a part of something greater, something enriching and beautiful and that as long as I keep my ear to his lips…He’ll tell me where the pitfalls are or show me how to swim pass the rocks.

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Is counseling something you run to when you're desperate?

For the past six months to a year, I have had the privilege and sometimes the trying exercise of coaching some friends and dear people at various stages of their lives to overcome lifelong challenges. Some have gone through tremendous pain in their past, others are still walking out the gruesome details of abandonment, rejection and abuse to this day. Whatever the case, so far, I have not sat with a single individual with whom I couldn't relate to in some way or another. I believe that just like joy, pain is universal and it transcends age, race, geography and religious beliefs. We all suffer in one way or another, therefore there is a tremendous need for compassion and understanding.

I have experienced huge breakthroughs with individuals, the ones that stick to the process, refuse to lie about what is in their hearts and understand my role in helping them cross this frightening bridge, to get to the other side. I have watched a sobbing, petrified face totally relax at eased in the presence of God when prayed for. I've seen the question: “why?” sweetly answered in a way that only God can answer it. And I have seen change, that beautiful goal that seems unattainable in the midst of our sadness. I believe in counseling, I know it works but I could not do it on my own.

Christians, devout, praying, church going “believers” can sometimes be the hardest clients. I now realize why my counselor had to trudge through some deep religious and incorrect conclusions that I had attached myself to by way of some well-meaning person teaching on a doctrine but not understanding that Jesus came to alleviate us from being chained to the doctrinal mindset. It was only at the end of my attachment to what I thought God wanted from me or expected out of my life, was I able to see clearly that His greatest expectation was for me to come to Him with everything that pained me and to simply lay it all at His feet. That seemed too simple to me at first. I was hell bent on doing penance for my sins and then torturing myself with feelings of inadequacy and self-loathing. I could only accept love the hard way, well-earned and paid for by shame and grief. I couldn't lift my head in the presence of God and call myself daughter. It was just too much to fathom that He truly wanted me. I grieved on the inside for most of my life until the day I could not breathe in my own poisonous venom anymore. I had to start listening to my counselor. She was taking the time to painstakingly dissect my issues and pray over them one by one, something I was too weak to do at the time. I had to trust her words and trust that God would silence anything that wasn't of Him. Most of my counselors have been Christians. I’m not biased but I do find the common ground quite helpful.

After I left counseling, I entered into a rest with God that is still present to this day. He changed my entire perspective of my walk with Him. He took away my desire to please people. He gave me a beautiful wilderness experience in which I could roam freely, feel openly and cry often. He never left me in the wilderness alone, for that I’m grateful.

I emerged back into the “world” with a sense of knowing that beyond a shadow of a doubt, I am a child divinely loved by God. Nothing can take that from me and much has tried.

Recently, I began to doubt my ability to translate such understanding to those that I counsel because it seems that so many of us “Christians” love to learn the hard way. We struggle to accept Abba’s gentle hand when He wants to escort us to higher ground and often, we bite the messenger who feels compelled to share his grace.

I've come to the conclusion that it is true that not all will enter into God’s rest. I also understand that my role in the process of helping other’s become whole will often be challenged by the enemy’s schemes to keep them bound. I accept the fact that some will say that my message is too strong or my delivery too intense. To that I say: You must know your calling and the one that called you.  I’m here for people who are at the edge of life’s cliff, who desperately want to jump and have one foot dangling, as the small rocks of life begin to fall to the ground below… because I've been there. I will grab your hand in prayer and the grip will be of one who does not want to witness your death but to celebrate your living. We will talk, cry, laugh and poke fun at ourselves, until the pain is gone. Eventually, because there is a God in heaven, the pain does leave. That is my role as a counselor/survivor of the desire to die too soon.

I am not passive. I cannot pretend not to see the obvious and it hard for me to leave a person on the cliff once they've called for help.

Understand that once you've sought out counseling, someone (other than yourself) has become invested in you. Someone is praying for you. Someone is carrying you in their heart. Please take the process seriously. Please don’t duck in and out of sessions with a casual mindset or treat the counseling room like an E.R. Please come ready to invest in your own life and to let the truth be the only thing that you speak. There is nothing worse than counseling a lying spirit afraid to face the truth.
If you are seeking help for any reason, ask yourself this question: How far will I go, how much am I willing to do, to become whole, united in mind and connected in spirit? Once you answer that question honestly then you will know whether or not to begin with a counselor.

An invested counselor, life coach or mentor’s deepest desire should be to help the people that we used to be because we know without question, that wholeness is possible for all those who truly want it.

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

How to hit rock bottom and live to tell about the climb up...

I had breakfast with a friend today and it was great to see her, yet sad at the same time. The great part was that this woman is high spirited, vivacious and extremely intelligent. She’s a thinker, so chances are I can pick a topic and her mind has already been there and colored in every element of thought that I am about to share. She’s beautiful and sensitive and caring and did I mention how smart she is? Well, she is…

The sad part was that there is only one small fraction of her that can even fathom how awesome she is. Like most of us, she has been berated with lies from the enemy of her soul and somehow, those lies have intermingled with her own voice, which is even more confusing. However, her audible confession today springs hope in my heart: “I refuse to give up!”

Because my dear friend is a fighter, which is highly required to make it these days, I have a strong belief that she will begin to heal and strengthen very soon.

In this life, when we are surrounded with lies from our earliest memories until our current age, it’s almost impossible to believe that we can be motivated, productive members of society and leave an indelible mark on this world. But as long as there is an almost in front of impossible, then it is highly possible.

In the spirit of my determined friend, I would like to offer some suggestions that may help, while fighting for your life…in any capacity.

1        Don’t pretend like everything is okay. Being fake has never healed anyone. In just about every passage  in the New Testament that had to do with miraculous healing and deliverance, someone was yelling: “HELP!” and Jesus heard them. He will hear you too.

2       No more “woe is me”. It’s not that people don’t care to hear your woes, it’s just that most folks know that those woes lead to nowhere. Without a plan or direction, you’re bound to be in the same situation this time next year. Ask God for a plan.

3       Let’s not dwell on who doesn’t love us. When we do that, we are almost always blinded to the fact that someone out there does. And that someone is God. God’s love gets second billing when we dwell on those who don’t care for us.

4      Try to allow some positive eek of a confession to begin to come out of your mouth daily. Something as simple as “I am loved by an amazing God” can really change your perspective on life.

5       Don’t look for company in your misery, look for inspiration and guidance from someone who has gone before you and made it through. LISTEN and don’t try to contradict them with a bigger woe story. Remember, they made it out and are trying to help you through it. You wouldn't stomp on a fireman’s hand when he was reaching through a smoke filled window to save you would you? Imagine: “But Mister Fireman, you just don’t know how hard it is for me to leave this burning room…YOUR HOUSE ISN'T BURNING LIKE MINE IS!!!” That just doesn't make sense does it? Okay then.

6       Unforgiveness brings torment. This.I.know.for.sure. If you have to start by writing it on a sticky note   until you can begin speaking it aloud…forgive those who have hurt you deeply. It’s truly the only way   out.

7         God’s waiting for a heart to heart conversation with us every day. This is the hardest thing to get  Christians to understand because so many of us talk to Him for 2 minutes and expect to get 12 hours  worth of grace to carry us through the day. And then we don’t understand why we’re defeated by  lunch. God’s not looking for busy bees. He’s looking for planted flowers to rain on and make more  beautiful.

8         Pick a side and stick with it. Either we believe God or we don’t. We cannot agree with the voice of  heaven and the voice of darkness at the same time. The enemy always lies.

9          Don’t diagnose yourself and then waive it like a banner: “I’m OCD, PSYCHOTIC AND NEUROTIC,  that’s why I’m not able to get my stuff together!!!” Even if you are actually diagnosed with a  disorder, it DOES NOT have to define you! Try singing: “I am a neurotic, psychotic friend of God…”  Go ahead I dare you to sing it at church. That would go over like a lead balloon, just like it does with  God.

1        Never limit the healing power and deliverance from such a big God to 10 simple steps. These are just   mere suggestions and things that I've learned along the way. God has infinite ways of bringing his     children to safety. Be open to all of them…

Thursday, November 14, 2013

I Found Me...

Feet dangling
Playing in the streams of life
Giggling like a school girl at a never ending slumber party
Dancing to music piped in from Freedom’s Broadcasting Network
And feeling lovely about me

After a lifetime of being trained
How to be the perfect women
How to pretend
How to submit
How to look the other way
How to hold it together
While feeling like the crazy part of the glue
 Watching all of my dreams go floating out the door
I was crumpled up and tossed behind
Life’s wastebasket
A half written to do list
An unfinished poem
A check mark next to a mundane chore
A note asking for more

There I was
You picked me up and smoothed
My crinkled life
And began deciphering the cryptic messages of my heart

You Abba explained my own pain to me
In ways I could have never understood
You taught me how my mind worked
And insisted that despite the many
Blows that I suffered to my emotional cortex
I still functioned well
You said I was whole
Long before I understood what wholeness was
And when the pipe burst in my heart
And I could no longer contain my emotions
You held me
And all of my liquid pain

At night you sang a lullaby to my spirit
That spoke directly to each day of my life
From birth till now

You remembered what I had forgotten
Or refused to acknowledge
You showed me that pain ignored
Will devour your soul
And become the monster inside of you
That you see in others

You Daddy G
Gave me my first nickname of honor
You called me “Princess”
And laced me with your love

You took me back home
To the foreign land from which I hail
A place called “Innocence”

You said that I was still
A native and would forever be so in Your eyes

We sat on the side of a mountain
And skipped wishes across the lake
As the sun set in sapphire hues
You gave me a stern directive
With more love than I could gather in a lifetime
“Live and Be Free!”
And showed me my reflection in the mirror
Of your Glory
For the first time in my life
I saw radiance
And it was coming from under my skin

Beauty rested in my eyes
And honor (which comes from being your very own)
Adorned my quaff
Like a diamond studded crown

You lifted me
High into the heavens
And baptized me
In eternity
Then placed me gently back in my today
With a new heart
And a restored mind
Nothing missing
Nothing broken
Forever gifts

BFP (c)