Because Mr. Right Does Not Mean Mr. Perfect...

Dear Mr. Right,

I hope that this letter finds you in a good place in your life and that you are achieving peace and creating joy for yourself and others. I pray for you often and ask for God's guidance on our meeting.

The reason for this letter is to open up a line of communication that I hope we can experience throughout our lives together. If we know nothing else, we know by now, that not being able to communicate with one another only ensures an impending doom on what can otherwise be a beautiful relationship.

This is a collaborative letter, written from the heart of women who truly desire to be understood. You see, sometimes our hearts get involved too quickly and we lose our nerve to speak up for ourselves and set proper boundaries, before the butterflies set in. So, we have come together in support of one another to compose a message just for you. We ask that you respect our words and hear our hearts. We ask that you honor us by taking the time to read this letter with an open mind.  We ask, that you Mr. Right, hear how committed we are to making this relationship work and live up to it's fullest potential because you are worth it.

Some of us are very young and are just starting out on this journey of love. We haven’t had much experience with getting to know the opposite sex and we are a bit naïve about how men think and relate to us. We may be looking at our parents’ relationships and either wanting to find something equally as wonderful or extremely opposite. We don’t want to be pressured about what to do with our bodies when we’re just finding our own voice.  And even though we are constantly being made aware of your urges, we trust that God did not make you to be senseless about how you carry yourselves in that matter. We have desires too and for the most part we try our best not to lead with our sexy nature, it just makes us feel empty and cheated in the end.

We are inundated enough by our culture, religion and authority figures as to what to and what not to do in regards to sex. Please be part of the solution and not the problem. Let’s join our lives in such a way that our bodies don’t get all of the attention, which may leave our hearts deprived. We are not the majority but that’s what makes us treasures. Please think about that.

Some of us are not so young and not so new to this process. We may be divorced, widowed or simply abandoned. We are mothers, grandmothers, mentors, or flying solo so far.  We have given freely without understanding the consequences of refusing to look deeper into the lives of the men that we chose. Some of us were so afraid to be alone, that we jumped at the first chance we had to be married because we just wanted to be loved. Some of us were Daddy’s girls or not at all. In fact, the word Dad may be foreign to us and we learned to seek that out in a man as well.

Some of us have contributed to the demise of our relationships by complaining, being childish or placing unreasonable expectations on our partners. We may have been too young to understand what we were getting into but the thought of waiting did not appeal to us. Or it could be, that age was not the issue at all but we still lacked in emotional maturity.

Some of us have been abused, dishonored and hurt beyond words and we have been in a place of renewal and healing in order to be able to live and love again freely. 

Those of us who are mothers are fiercely protective over our children. You see, they have seen enough of our unhealthy relationships and we will not subject them to such destructiveness again. In fact, if we are being truly honest, we have a deep fear of bringing someone else into our lives that may damage our children’s perception of relationships for good. Our daughters need protecting and our sons need mentoring, so that they can see what a good man is, we simply cannot afford anything else. Please consider that deeply.

Mr. Right, we have read the relationship books, been to the seminars, conferences and Bible studies all designed to help women be the best wives they can be. It has been a bit daunting at times to think that some teach in a way that would suggest that the woman is almost 100% responsible for the heart of the home. We have been told time and again about your needs and perhaps that was necessary because the first few times that we heard the message we always responded with “what about mine?!” (Please be patient in that area.)

We understand that you need support, respect and encouragement. We know that your love language will more than likely include physical affection. We simply ask that you recognize that we need to be wanted all day in many ways and not just in the bedroom.

There are many things that we could include in this letter but we will have time to sort through our various questions and needs when we meet.

For now, we would like to leave you with this statement that embodies the heart of our message to you today:

Dear future love, I am willing to accept you for who you are the very essence of you. I do not wish to change you. You have many, many fine qualities. The fact is, I have never before had the courage to speak up for myself in this way and I think it would be unfair if I did not make you aware of the things that I cannot tolerate in a relationship. If we are truly meant to be, you will respect my effort and my new found voice…

I cannot tolerate:

Being dishonored by lying, cheating, disrespecting or demeaning me.

Not being your main priority.

Being made to feel inferior to other women.

Not being able to follow you because you are not God centered.

Weakness…it’s simply too hard to respect a man who has not developed a sense of strength.

Jealousy… why in the world would you want to be jealous of your biggest fan?

Insecurity...it is impossible to mother a grown man and maintain a healthy relationship.

Selfishness…it’s just ugly.

Narcissistic behavior…that’s a diagnosis and you should be taking care of that before meeting me. 

Physical or emotional abuse…it’s evil and I will not subject myself or my children to it.

I am too good of a woman and far too valuable to subject myself to any of this behavior. With that said, and understood between us, our future can be bright and our journey sweet.

With deepest love, until we meet.

Your very own, Mrs. Right

I offer my sincerest thanks to all my beautiful Sisters who helped me with this blog. I asked and you answered…how cool is that?!

Much love to: Auanita, Chelsea, Dody, Eden, Ja'el, M.M., Natalie, Rhonda P., Sharon, Suzanne, and Whittington this blog would not have been the same without you!

I wish you All MORE!

bfp

REFUGE in NODA

Last week I battled an onslaught of angst so strong that I found myself whispering aloud at times, “God please help…it’s too much.” I could feel a thick blanket of insecurity wrapping itself around me binding all my fears together and forming one major knot in my soul. I was e x h a u s t e d. I was d i s c o u r a g e e d.  I wanted to get off of this cycle that seems to meet me time and again, when the journey has been longer than I imagined.

I saw a vision of myself walking through a long deserted cave so narrow, that if I tried to turn around, my shoulders would have gotten lodged against the walls, leaving me stuck and unable to move. This cave had one entrance and one exit and the only way out was to keep moving. My face was ashen and expressionless and my movements were listless. I trudged; I didn't walk. I never stopped moving for fear that I would collapse. Up ahead I could see the reflection of sunlight peeking through the end of the cave but the end itself was not in sight, only the suns message to keep moving. I could hear the sound of waves beckoning me forward and the faint smell of salt water seeped in.

There was really no need for interpretation of that image, no need to ask what it all meant, I knew. However, I needed to help the woman in that cave. I needed to send her some energy, some hope, give her rest. I ached for her. So the next day, I went to NODA. 

NODA is the artsy North Davidson District in Charlotte and home of the 24/7 prayer room and it became a place of refuge like I've never encountered before.

When I turned the knob and walked through the narrow entryway to the prayer room, my expectations began to build. Somehow, I knew that God was waiting there for me. Waiting to ease my mind and give me rest…and He was. The atmosphere was primed with some of the best inspirational music that I've ever heard. There are couches arranged for your comfort while you sit and soak in the peace and private stations with curtains to be alone with God. There were ministry DVD’s with headphones to hear a private message or to bring knowledge of the Bible and strengthen your faith. You can read there or take your laptop and tuck away while you work while being filled at the same time. There was a prayer request board with many prayers pinned to it. There was a wall covered in the map of the world with different needs for missionaries or travelers stuck to it. And then, in the midst of all of this, there was me.

I looked around when I entered the lobby wondering which door to try first. When I opened the door to the main room, I was overcome with emotion and the cold and the chill of the day began to melt away. My spirit was home.

I have never been in an atmosphere of worship and felt united in spirit with people of God all over the world, until that very moment. Even being almost empty accept for the volunteer that was tending the room that day and one other person, I felt a unity in spirit with people that I've never met before. It represented a spiritual U.N.

My time there was well spent, talking to God about the current dilemma’s that I face as well as the pain of my past, hopes for my future and request for strength for my present. He nursed my wounds, and sang to my heart. He cupped His hand and caught my tears and allowed me to question His motives like a nervous child. He met me, He met me, He met me…right on the verge of collapse. And when He caught me, I knew that as long as I had a place of refuge to run to like this, I would make it out of this cave to see the light of day…

By the way, if you've been reading my blog and have never listened to a recording of my poetry, please feel free to click the TuneCore widget to the right of this post and give it a listen. If it’s something that you feel you’d like to download to hear as often as you like or share with others, just know that I cherish your support.

Bonita "BFP"

Check out the photos of the 24-7 prayer room by clicking the link below:

http://www.charlotte24-7.com/prayer/prayer-room/prayer-room-photos 

Give me some of that CRAZY LOVE!

This particular post is to date, proving to be my most difficult one yet. I've been searching my mind frantically, like how I would search my dresser drawers for that matching sock that goes so well with my beige loafers or my jewelry box, for the pair of earrings that someone special gave me for my birthday. For some reason, these familiar items got misplaced. Perhaps, they suffered from overuse or neglect but today is the day that I search.

I've rummaged through my minds memories, its favorite moments full of love and romance, drawer by drawer, to no avail. I simply can’t find the words to match the emotions that have been traveling through my entire being for the past few days. Maybe they’ve always been there, in fact, I’m quite sure of it but as of right now, I can’t bear to keep them hidden from pen and paper any longer. The only missing detail to my freedom…is how to express myself.

I’ll start where I can. Last Saturday I went to see Silver Linings Playbook starring Bradly Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence. I stood back and listened to the reviews, the award nominations, the acceptance speeches and the interviews of the stars in the movie with bubbling curiosity. My question: How romantic can it be to watch two people with overt personality disorders fall in love? The answer: very. There are many things that I can comment on about the move but in case you have not seen it yet, I choose not to spoil it for you, entirely. I will say this with misty eyes: The idea, the very idea of going through your entire life feeling like two left shoes or a sneaker in a room full of high heels, consumed with angst and unfiltered emotions…can be an overwhelming thought. 

Looking for love, for acceptance, and having to settle for a fraction of both from the people in your life, can result in the tendency to view yourself through a myopic lens, leaving no room to see you through someone else’s eyes.

If this happens to be our own personal experience, at times, we can render ourselves unlovable.

These two leading characters had everything going against them in the natural world. They had pain, tragedy, families that just didn't know how to help or relate to them and the daily conflict of trying to put one foot in front of the other. Those familiar grips, spoke to me loudly. It doesn't matter how far off the deep end you've gone, we have all been overwhelmed in this life at one time or another. The one thing that we never expect is what this story delivers, someone else having the same human experience, who sees our pain and chooses to run with us, instead of away from us. For the ‘unlovable’ it’s simply a pipe dream that we can’t afford to invest our hearts in. We are so damaged in our thinking that if this scenario actually did happen, we would probably sabotage our own beautiful new beginning by rejecting the one that sees and cares.

What if this wasn't just a well written script with young attractive actors? What if God, in his infinite wisdom and panoramic perspective, has chosen someone (for those of us whose hearts are seeking silently) who knows what it’s like to feel misplaced in this world and can relate to our quirky minds and enlarged hearts?

At some point I put down my popcorn and stopped sipping on my soda, just to soak in the pure emotion of this movie. Like fire, emotion not bad…emotion…good, it’s all in how you use it. I watched as he defended her honor, while she finally decided to stop fighting long enough to let her heart take over. I watched two mismatched souls of society find the perfect fit in one another and during those moments, hope began to bloom for me.

The idea, that I could finally be seen through similar eyes and a knowing heart, is more than I could ask for. 

You see, creativity has left its odd ball mark on me, to the degree of me desiring to be a recluse most days, just to avoid borrowed sunlight and eyes that can’t relate. Movies speak to me, books speak to me, music…ah sweet, sweet music speaks to me in clear mind blowing ways. I’m just wondering if someone out there somewhere doesn't mind trading tunes with me some day and reading to me from their favorite books, so that I can share in their passion as well.

I felt at first that writing this blog would be too much like baring my secret soul…but if these words have helped someone else, who like me, thinks in unconventional terms, feel hopeful about a future love, then baring my soul will indeed have a silver lining…

Ageless Hands a Woman's Legacy

Ageless and Ageless and Ageless…

Are the hands that hold the world

The mother’s touch

To an infant’s cry

The soft wipe

Across tear stained cheeks

The carrier of salve

To a bruised knee

The lift to a lap

 A shoulder

Or

Cradling her babe to her breast

The hands that stir the pots

Which feed an endless supply of mouths

And

Rub the backs of sleepy children everywhere

Messaging teething gums

Or

Planting gardens for her family

Later

Fingers locked and intertwined

With her lover

The one who holds the hands

Of the one who holds the world

Once alone

Those hands reach

To an everlasting God

In Praise

In Surrender

In Thanksgiving

And at night

She tucks those anointed hands

Beneath her pillow

To rest safely

For yet

Another day…

“Ageless hands”© bjk