The Disease of Desperation

As I was driving this morning and listening to the radio, I heard a letter from a woman asking for advice that seemed so bizarre and twisted that I couldn't shake it. The letter was from someone who had been separated from her husband for ten years. Within these years, the two of them have been carrying  on a secret relationship on and off, even though she has given birth to another man’s baby and he (her husband) has been living with another woman all of this time.

Apparently, the secrete ‘affair’ was found out by her husband’s girlfriend. After some painful discussion, they all agreed to have a three way relationship (or so she says.) When the three way did not work out, (go figure) she felt that she had no other options but to become her husband’s mistress. 

Once again, they were found out by the girlfriend. The news that her boyfriend was having an affair with his wife seemed to traumatize this poor woman to the point of illness, which led to her being hospitalized.

As it stands now,(at the time of this letter) this man, husband, and father of her children continues to rendezvous with one woman, (his wife) while attending to another, (his girlfriend) by visiting her in the hospital daily. And now after all of this time, this misguided soul writes a radio D.J. and talk show host/comedian and asks for his advice about what to do with her husband/secrete affair. I said it was bizarre didn't I?

At first, I joined in with the montage of insults being hurled toward this woman from the radio personality and his crew. I agreed with the words stupid, foolish, crazy and just plain dumb. I nodded profusely as the judgments projected toward her like a Lear jet taking off from the runway. This situation was just too unthinkable to validate with sound advice, or so I thought.

The show broke to commercial and I had to get out of my car and come in the house (by now I was sitting in my garage in the dark confused) I couldn't shake what I had just heard. As I unloaded my bags, and walked into my kitchen a single question popped into my head, and I know for sure that I was not the author of it. “How many lies do you think she believed to get to this point?” I stood still, the judgment ended... the compassion began.

“How many?” I started thinking. I assessed that this woman would have had to believe every lie told to her about her unworthiness and insignificance to come to this place in her life right now. I imagined her being driven to a secluded spot after a date and being coaxed into “appreciation” for the evening or just as bad, being ignored and forgotten after the date.  I imagined no father figure, or the lack of the love that should come from one being in her life. No hugs, no Daddy daughter dates, no sweet 16 celebration, no honor shown to her coming of age, just a deep sense of hunger and a profuse neediness. This may be a stretch of my imagination but a plausible theory none the less.

The picture was becoming clear to me, this woman’s mind was diseased with desperation and no quick advice could heal her.

I was then presented with another question: “What would you say to this soul if she wandered your way?” I borrowed my first response from my tutor then added three more:

1. What lie did you believe in order for you to get to this place right now?

2. Is it possible that the only man you have ever loved (as you say) has never, ever loved you, but has only loved himself and uses your neediness to satisfy his selfish desires?

3. And finally…What truths (advice, guidance and prayer) have you passed by all of these years, only to end up embracing a reproductive lie?

It seems that healing begins not with answers but first, with questions.

We have all been presented with two options at some point in our lives. The first is to believe the falsehoods that we are unworthy, unlovable and simply not enough, so therefore we must settle.

The second is to embrace the truth that we are beautifully designed by a Master Creator to add fragrance, color and music to this world with the understanding that we should only share ourselves with someone as equally worthy…

Which one do you choose to believe?