In three days, I will be 46 years old and ironically, I am finally getting younger. This is the year that I actually feel the weight of life slipping off of me and I couldn't be more content. Notice that I didn't use the words thrilled or happier, such emotions are subject to change, contentment, however, is more of a lifestyle.
I deemed this past year, ‘the reconstruction of Bonita’. There has been a much needed (and no doubt it will continue) overhaul on my mind, my heart and my soul. It has been brutal, full of tears and some rejections (that’s par for the course) but mostly rewarding. And yes, I’d do it all again, if it meant getting the same results.
It seemed that in every corner that life tried to shove me, there was an endless supply of resources prepared by God, to give me the strength to shove back.
I am a reader by nature and prayer for me is nonstop conversation with God, but this year, both of those practices increased to an all-time high. I managed to get my hands on some extremely significant material relevant to where I am in my life, all the while talking God’s ears off, then, sitting still when I was spent from chatter to hear His beautiful voice guide me through what I didn't understand…which was mostly everything.
There were moments when I could almost tangibly feel Him cup his hands just beneath my face and catch my tears as they made their way from my soul to my cheeks, no matter how many, He caught them all. The hush of the Holy Spirit was like a cool breeze blowing through my window on a hot night. Often, I would experience the exhaustion of sobbing, followed by the childlike slumber that only He could give me. When I awoke, I knew instinctively, that he had dried my eyes and tucked me in during the night, as only He could do.
My relational disappointments began to fade into the background of this ever developing story and God became the main Character…sometimes friend, sometimes foe, depending on my emotional state, but always in the end…the hero of my soul.
The wilderness that He so brilliantly has guided me to has been the most lush and beautiful landscape that I ever could imagine. The fear of loneliness that used to taunt me… is now one of my greatest teachers of self-love.
At this point, when I think of my future, I am no longer consumed with the question of who will be by my side. I am more invested in protecting, the fierce, strong, peaceful, fiery, resilient woman that I have come to be. And I realize, that rushing the process of who, could truly put this treasure in jeopardy and she deserves someone who is willing to journey to the wilderness of his soul and become whole and full of self-love, all the while looking up for guidance.
Nothing less will do for this “Wilderness Princess”…