Monday, June 18, 2012

What I Do Not Know

The vagueness of our future can often drive us to a place of solitary madness if we have believed God for a concrete sign to mark our way for so long. I am astounded at the level of uncertainty that I experience on a daily basis given the situations in my life. Why must everything be a wilderness experience and when will I receive the vision or sign that is crystal clear to me that says “walk this way?” For whatever reason, there does not seem to be a definitive answer to my right here and now and it is melting the place in my mind and heart that needs to know now. It is causing a death of self that is painful and somewhat traumatic. I don’t know, therefore I can’t plan. I can’t plan, and therefore I cannot move. I cannot move, therefore I must stand still. I am standing still…but I cannot see. I cannot see, so I must believe in the One that can.

I would love to pick out my future much like one chooses their wedding china with the exact pattern and style that they fell in love with. The excitement of knowing that those who follow the registry will purchase exactly what they have chosen. No disappointments, no returns. That is how I would like things to be, but God has a more complex plan. So He allows me to glimpse some evidence of what I would like it to be, without allowing me to scan it and place it under my name. He is creating a montage of options, a variable of choices, an air of suspense, if I will allow it. The question is…can I allow it?

The only way that we pre-empt God’s plan to surprise us is by refusing to trust Him. Most of us do not wake up in the morning and declare “I refuse to trust God today!” We are generally frightened children at heart, having lost so much in our past and left to feel so helpless because of this, we fear abandonment. We fear rejection, we fear neglect. We fear that God will forget that we are standing with our hands cupped ready to receive our portion and that He will pass us by as we look like hungry orphans. We fear. That is why we cannot trust. That is why we wrench in pain when another day comes and there is no concrete sign…”Is this for me?”…Silence…”Should I proceed?”…Silence…”Am I safe with this person?” ...Silence. By nightfall, we are masses of trembling flesh, hungry, hurt, tired and cold because we do not always understand that there is peace in the silence, if we choose to seek it.

I can testify that “golden opportunity” has a twin that is not identical and its name is “uncertainty”, they generally travel together. And when you meet the first one, the second one is bound to reach out to shake your hand immediately after. I can also attest that the only solace that I have found in the midst of these two, comes as a result of the cries of my heart out into an untouched placed called the heavens. And after releasing all of my fears, all of my doubts and all of my insecurities…the answer comes in peace wrapped in more silence…

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