Recently I
watched a program called Iyanla Fix My
Life. I wasn't nuts about the title because it seemed a bit presumptuous,
but the concept intrigued me. In short it is a show with a relationship
specialist Iyanla Vansant, who works at helping people to resolve issues that
have torn them apart. On this particular night, Iyanla was helping six women
restore their friendships after having a devastating falling out over a project
that they were working on called “Six Brown Chics” a blogging site consisting of
each women’s area of expertise. The project was designed to help women in
different areas of their lives…relationships, finance etc…
What unfolded during this episode struck me from many different angles and caused me to look at the failures of many of my female relationships. Each woman came with her own issues, insecurity, control, not being able to trust and blatant insensitivity. The accusations that were hurled back and forth consisted of, hurt, abandonment, lies, mistrust and so on. It seemed that Ms. Vansant had her work cut out for her. It seemed that these women’s issues brought out the very worst in them and the disrespect was surprising at times.
In the end,
after many shed tears, confessions and forgiveness, the women made great
progress and healing was taking place. There was much call for introspection
and less for projection. In other words the dialogue had to change from “you
did this to me” to “I own my part in this.” It was a very mature approach with
very effective results.
I wonder what
would happen if we women would start owning our own stuff when it came to
mending relationships with each other, instead of finding an excuse for our bad
or insensitive behavior. I wonder if we would make great strides and be able to
work together in the community, the church or wherever we are called, if we
took the time to work on our own trouble spots before pointing out our
sister’s.
There is so
much that we can accomplish if we put our minds and hearts together and decide
to rise above the childish notions that cause us to fall out in the first
place. I wonder what my life would be like if I were part of a strong team of
women who decided that no matter what, we would stand together and accept each
other for who we are. That we would not judge, gossip, or criticize one another
for the cause of the greater good…the unity of sisterhood.
Wouldn't it
be worth it so that we can leave our daughters a legacy of healthy female
relationships? From that many more things would be accomplished and a deep
healing could occur in those of us who often choose to stand alone because we
are tired of the disappointments that come from being in the midst of our
sisters.
The bottom
line is, whatever I leave unresolved is the very thing that I will project on
my sister. However, the very thing that I choose healing for, may be the very
thing that heals my sister...
Women are the reason we are not further along. Some of the meanest things that have ever happened to me have been wrought by other women. Yet, I value some of my female friendships more than a house full of diamonds.
ReplyDeleteI so agree Andra. I am 5th of six sisters (no brothers) and from early on I found that females can be the most hurtful people on earth. I have also found them to be some of the most nurturing beings ever created...such a dichotomy.
DeleteAlthough we choose not to admit it our sisters (biological included) can be more harm to our psyche than we realize and vice versa. For example on my journey I have a male friend and several female friends. My female friend(s) seem to have no filter. A few seem to think that it's ok to say exactly what they think regardless of how it may make me feel. When I was losing my hair some of the comments were harsh ("I was gonna tell you I saw a patch", "Wow, how long did it take to fall out?"). My male friend was completely different. The day I had to cut it off, he spent the rest of the day with trying to help me get comfortable with my 'new' look and dealing with people. For every physical and emotional change he's been right there and not once has he disregarded my feelings. My 'sisters' who I thought would be more understanding and supportive have some times really shocked me.
ReplyDeleteWow Sharon, how disappointing. I have no idea why women give themselves permission to be insensitive. I can't tell you how many times I have heard things that come from females that cut to the quick. I suppose that it is true that hurting people hurt people.
ReplyDeleteThank God for your male friend...
And I thank God for him every day.
DeleteI have two sisters, and fought viciously with them (scars to prove it). I was also raised in a powerfully female world, with a matriarch of a grandmother, my mother and my aunts, and really...I am not able to function in the world without my strong female friendships and networks. I deeply enjoy the company of women and take comfort in them and like to think sometimes my work is all about helping them along their journey.
ReplyDelete(I love men, too, don't get me wrong. I have two sons and a brother and have had strong, influential relationships with my brother and father and uncles, and have great relationships with men in general. But this is a post about women.)
Bad things have transpired within my female relationships, but bad things have happened in my relationships with males, too. In my eyes, it's not a gender issue as much as it is a character issue. Good character = good relationships. Bad character = jealousy, backstabbing, all the other stuff.
Societally, there are things working against us, but we're better off to try to rise above them, IMO, and refuse to play into the game of besting others women in order to rise ourselves. That takes us down.
Barbara I think that you are fortunate to have such strong examples of women in your life and a good foundation for relationship. I do believe that we sometimes come into contact with unhealthy thinking and unresolved issues in each other that causes great pain. Yes we are powerful, loving, nurturing and caring I agree. I think that it is a matter of choice to lead with those qualities in order to strengthen one another. You have a wonderful legacy for your gran-daughter.
ReplyDeleteAs a human, I understand that sometimes relationships are hard to maintain. As a woman, I recognize that female relationships can be doubly difficult, and often, painful. We can be bitter, petty, cruel, shallow, and all-around vile creatures. On the other hand, we have the potential to be the most sensitive, empathetic, caring, nurturing, and beautiful people. If we as women choose to live in our positive characteristics, maybe the concept of healthy female relationships won't be so foreign. Maybe if we "owned our stuff"were more supportive of each other, we could negate some backwards thinking and stereotypes about women, and female relationships.
ReplyDeleteWell said Chelsea. The truth is, we have more going for us than against us. It is the enemy of our souls job to plant the seed of division. By now, we need to be fully aware of this and walk with God...who is also love.
ReplyDeleteYour blog is so timely for me. For many years, I have had more female relationships than males and have been truly bruised emotionally by circumstances that have happen. However, I’ve learned that many of our experiences as a child have shaped the adults we’ve become, so I had to take a look inward to identify the areas I needed to grow and develop. I also had to evaluate the types of females who were part of my life. I’m still working on tearing down walls inwardly so I can build bridges.
ReplyDeleteWhat’s important to me is authenticity! None of us are perfect, but we do need each other. It’s wonderful to have female relationships where you can agree to disagree and not be offended. It’s wonderful to have female relationships to talk openly with each other if the other hurts your feelings. Sometimes people are not sensitive because they don’t see anything wrong with their actions or comments. Relationships are a work in progress. Movies like” Waiting to Excel”, Steel Magnolias”, and “Why Did I Get Married” represent the authenticity I’m talking about. Although these are actors portraying a role, I believe these types of relationships exist in the real world. I strived to become one.
Thanks for sharing your blog with us.
Authenticity is key...if we are real with ourselves than we can be real with others. When we are...then we are truly being our best. I love how the movies portray solid relationships between women at times. It is a stark contrast to the reality shows that highlight immature and bad behavior. I sense a female revolution coming!
ReplyDeleteThanks for weighing in...Juan.
Wow, Bonita, what a beautiful, wise post. I just had two tiffs with friends. I did some soul searching and read Byron Katy's website to peel myself off the ceiling. I know I need to go past the initial reaction and pick it apart, but I admit I get caught up in my feelings. Thanks for this reminder!!!
ReplyDeleteElisabeth, we all go there, it's part of the female experience. The important thing is NOT to speak in those "ceiling" moments until you come down. Wise choice to read and search for balance in the midst. Not always easy but a commendable choice.
ReplyDeleteI've been dealing lately with some similar issues and it is so easy to project our own frustrations and disappointments onto others. If only us girls could all get along! But I have come to the conclusion that it starts with ourselves, we can't expect others to own up to their mistakes if we don't take responsibility for our own.
ReplyDeleteWell said Natalie with that perspective you are well on your way to healthy female relationships.
DeleteHi Bonita, I have heard this same lament for years, but I can truly say that I have never personally experienced this "women against woman" thing. Maybe it's because I've never been in a clique. I am one of 7 sisters and although we have differences of opinion, we still recognize that we are different from each other. Whenever I hear some of the stories about women being catty with one another, I have to ask myself, "did anyone let her know she was being catty or mean-spirited?", Most of the time these groups of women have been around each other for years, but never tell each other the truth about how they feel. That is just one of my observations. The more we are able to trust those we have relationships with, the more we will be able to have honest and true dialogues. I appreciate your openness and honesty. Thanks for sharing your heart and thoughts.
ReplyDeleteBeverly, you are so right. Telling each other the truth would eliminate much of the drama that comes from these misunderstandings. What would it be like if we just told each other the truth?...in love that is.
ReplyDelete