Okay moms, back to school season has arrived, so I thought I’d
tell you a little story that may help you find balance in your life if you’re
struggling to find it.
I’ve had experience in being both a working mom and a stay
at home mom and I can honestly say that either choice/necessity has its challenges.
The biggest challenge for me was my total lack of balance in both cases.
As a working mom, I felt a lot of guilt leaving my very
young children every day. Daycare was not my favorite option, so after a while
and some asking around, I hired a mother’s helper who saved my mommy life for a
period of a year. I am grateful for this young lady to this day. She came to my house every morning and took
over while I finished dressing and getting ready for work. She made sure that
the kids were fed, changed, read to, entertained and happy when I came home. My
kids loved her. I loved her. She was young and energetic and they needed that
with two working parents.
At the time, I had a bit of a demanding job working for a
non-profit school for pregnant teens. We had three sites, which means I had to
travel for work at times. Not only was the job demanding but it was stressful…very
stressful, crazy boss stressful. I was in a struggle to navigate through the
trials of my work life and the demands of my home life. The only solace that I
had was that my mother’s helper was taking great care of my two youngest
children, while my oldest was in a good school. There was something to be
grateful for, until she announced to me one day that her gap year from high
school was over and she wanted to join the military. I almost begged her to
reconsider, okay I did. In retrospect that was selfish thinking on my part but
in all honesty after her, I’ve never met anyone else who I felt as comfortable
with taking care of my kids.
After Camille left, I tried preschool for my two younger
ones, which didn’t work out well for the baby, who by now was a toddler. He
kept getting ear infections. When the doctor told us that he would need tubes
put into his ears if they kept getting infected, I decided to quit my job. From
where I stood, there weren't enough paychecks in the world to justify putting
my baby through that discomfort. I understand that not everyone would have been
able to make that decision and I respect the moms who have to do what they have
to do, the decision is not always that cut and dry. At the time I was married
and we worked through the sacrifice, sort of.
My favorite memory from that time in our lives was the day
after I quite my stressful job and sat on the floor with my two toddlers
watching Sesame Street. The phone rang and it was my boss (crazy lady) asking
me if I could come back in to work from time to time to help out. I gladly told
her no and hung up the phone. I felt so
much freedom in that moment. I felt like I had control over my life again.
But did I?
What I didn’t realize with having hired help at home was
that I was missing more than I wanted to at such early stages of my kid’s
lives. I was glad to be back home and having one on one time with my kids…most
days. Of course, the challenge I faced
after that novelty wore off, was feeling invisible in the house all day with
the kids and not having enough grown up time for myself. I realize now that I
didn’t know how to strike a balance between the two worlds that I lived in
while my children were young. I was either all in and working all day,
sometimes extra hours trying to breathe huge gusts of independent air before
going home, or I was closed in my house most days on a rigid routine attempting
to make my kid’s worlds feel completely protected and safe. In short, I extreme
mom’d.
I thought that in either situation I had so much to prove to
everyone around me. Growing up, the notion of an at home mother was very different
than it is today. Anything modeled on television was between June Cleaver and
Mrs. Brady, and she had Alice. (Some of you will have to google those two
references.) Neither woman represented me at all.
My mother stayed at home on off when we were children but I
never asked her what she did while I was in school all day. That question would
probably not have gone over well anyway. It always ends up sounding like: So what do you do all day while the rest of
the world is working hard at keeping the earth rotating on its axis? It’s
one of those implied questions that can sound insulting to any busy mom.
At this point, I didn’t have a good support group for what I
needed to know about staying at home with my kids in this season of my life and
I needed to strike a balance in my life badly.
This leads me to the discovery of learning how to be still
when necessary and my second favorite memory as a young mom.
It was when my youngest son was finally ready for preschool.
This particular child was a DOOZY!!! He ran instead of walked, shouted instead
of talked and knew his way through a temper tantrum like a pro. I was tired all
the time with him, even when he was just waking up in the morning. But on this
glorious day…the sun had a special shine and the birds seemed to achieve a rare
harmonious pitch. I could have sworn I saw rainbows without rain. Even though I
was a bit nervous that he was leaving the safety of home that day, I felt good
about the preschool that he was attending and they came with the gift of all
gifts…THEY HAD A VAN THAT PICKED HIM UP IN THE MORNINGS!!!
Que the theme to the
sound of music complete with birds flying above and me spinning on the top of a
mountain…
After kissing my rambunctious toddler bye-bye and standing
on the curb watching him being fastened into his car seat with other oblivious
toddlers who had no idea that their mothers where probably at home in a semi-conscious
state of glee, I stood there listening to the soothing sound of his driver’s
southern voice. He was in good hands. I then wiped a tear or two from my eyes
and went into the house to begin my full day of being a productive mom. (Notice
I didn’t say a productive person? I never thought of myself outside of my roles
at home then. Take note.)
I had plans and they were big ones. I was going to start
cleaning at the very top of the house and finish in the kitchen as any good
mother should. I was about to delve into my extreme mode on a whole new level. No
yoga pants and ponytail for me thank you. You can keep the Starbucks and Target
lines for this mom. I was going for the gold in housekeeping Olympics and you
couldn’t stop me!
Until…
I went back upstairs to my bedroom and made the maddening
mistake of turning on the television out of curiosity. Toddler shows at this
hour were all that I was accustomed to. What grownups talked about in the
morning was a mystery to me at this point.
We had just moved into our home and our cable service was
new, which of course came with a free preview of HBO. I stood there for a
moment looking at Tom Hanks. I like Tom Hanks. I’d never seen Castaway but I had heard it was
a good movie. Before long, I was stretched out across the bed glued to this
movie feeling like quite a castaway myself at home alone for the first time in
years. I kept checking for guilt but it seemed to have taken the day off.
After the movie, I fixed myself lunch. It was
intermission and I was hungry. The previews said that The Legend of Bagger
Vance was next. I like Will Smith and I had never seen this movie… Okay, I may
have folded clothes through this one but I realized what I needed more than anything
was a day of nothingness, or close to it, to recalibrate my mind. It was
wonderful and I was relaxed and excited to hear how my kid’s school days went
when they came home. And while I cannot claim that I had achieved this level of
relaxation all the time (a neat freak has to do what a neat freak has to do) I
can say that I learned the art of mommy naps, reading and quiet time that
carries over until today…even as the kids are all grow up and I am no longer
answering to just the title of mom. As wonderful as that title is (and it is my
favorite) through the years of learning how to take time out for myself, I have
discovered my many interests and titles that go along with me just being me.
I had to learn to balance work with play and that I could
have both in my life in order to be at peace. This however, is a lifelong
lesson for all of us in all seasons.
Balance is the key…
