Last week, I attended an informational workshop on Youth
Mental Health. The sessions were
informative to say the least and eye opening in so many ways. One of the
biggest takeaways for me was what people with bipolar disorder and schizophrenia
go through on a daily basis and what it’s like to hear constant voices in your
head telling you that you should harm yourself or others.
One man’s account via video was so intense that I wanted to
leave the room at some point and cry. His name is Keith and he had been
suffering from bipolar disorder for years when the voices in his head finally
convinced him that he should throw himself off of the Golden Gate Bridge. At one
point he recalled that while he was on the bus on the way to the bridge, he
decided that if one person asked him if he was okay, one person, he would tell
them his whole life story and what he was planning to do. He didn’t want to die
but he felt immensely outnumbered by the voices in his head.
Not one person asked him if he was okay that day. The voices won and
Keith threw himself over the side of the bridge, shattered the bones in his
legs all the way up to his torso because of the impact from meeting the water…and
did not die. He did not die. In fact, a sea lion brushed up against his legs as
he was rising to the surface of the water. After being rescued, Keith now had
to figure out how to live. It would take much therapy, medication and
counseling but he’s alive to tell his story today.
This man now lives to tell others about what it’s like to
have bipolar disorder and how to live with it. The bonus, he met his wife (who
was visiting a friend) while he was in the psych ward. They are a dynamic
couple that travel and speak on the subject together.
At one point during the workshop we had to break up into
groups and act out what it’s like to have voices talking to you constantly.
Three of us were carrying on a conversation while one person “the whisperer”
had to whisper negative words in one person’s ear. Words like: “don’t trust
her, she’s lying, they’re trying to get you…” I opted out of being the
whisperer or its victim both times that we did the exercise. Although it was a
powerful demonstration, I couldn't take part in those particular roles
personally.
Here’s why
I know what it’s like to hear negative voices in my ears.
And if you’re telling the truth, so do you. I believe we all do. It’s common to
have to fight off lies and accusations and put downs on a more constant basis
than we care to admit. It doesn’t necessarily mean that we are all bipolar. It
simply means that we are dealing with the manifestation of negative seeds sown
into us at one point or another. It’s so
common that we have self-help books, seminars and life coaches to help us
overcome such negative voices. While it is true that the majority of people
have not experienced suicidal or homicidal voices (and if you are reading this
and you have, there is much help for you) most of us have heard negative put
downs and self- deprecating noise throughout our life.
In my own experience, I have fought off three words for as
long as I can remember: “You are unlovable.” That’s it, plain and simple. I
know where it came from, I know when it started but I didn’t know how to
overcome it on my own. So on my best day, I was not okay. With family or
friends surrounding me, I was not okay. Having a significant other in my life
did not change the mantra, it only intensified it and made me try harder to be
what I felt I truly could not be, lovable.
The change
The month of October was an intensified cleansing of the
heart mind and soul for me. It was painful and devastating. I started losing
weight, more than usual (not a bad side effect) but my sleep was sporadic.
Why? Because my relationship with God as my father had
finally come to the place where he wanted to take me back to the beginning of
where those negative seed-words were planted. He wanted to dig through the soil
of my soul and uproot them but it would cause enormous distress at times. I
knew this had to be done if I ever wanted to be fully emotionally healthy and
also, if I ever wanted to be a light in someone else’s darkness.
So there we went, God and I, to the basement of my soul,
digging beneath the cracked foundation in the dirt of my early beginnings. We
would make this journey several times during that month and each time something
different would be dug up and revealed. I would cry, shake, wake up in the
middle of the night calling out to Him and each time, His peaceful presence
would be there reassuring me that all would be well. God was silencing the
voices of shame, rejection and accusation at a very crucial time in my life,
the time when I truly want to be lovable.
The other side
Today, approximately 30 days later and about 1,000 pounds
lighter on the inside, being “okay” never felt so good. The sense of peace,
freedom, joy and curiosity about my future that I’m experiencing is
unprecedented in my life. I have never been here before. It’s a good place, a
warm and natural place and I am forever grateful for the pain that it took to
get here.
Sometimes I’m by myself but I’m okay. Sometimes I’m tired
and have too much to do in one day but I’m okay. I don’t feel like life is
going to break me or steal from me anymore. I don’t sense that my walk with God
has to resemble me in a wheel chair while He’s pushing me. I’m okay with the
ups and downs that come my way. If I need to cry or grieve a loss, I can do so
knowing that while weeping does endure for a night, joy will come in the
morning. I don’t have to pretend to be fine anymore, I am fine and when I’m not…fine
is not far off.
I know that it’s only
been a short time but I can finally handle life on life’s terms and that is something
that I have never been able to do. The sense of heaviness from feeling alone in
the world has lifted. I feel God’s presence on a deeper more intimate level. I
am not invincible, I’m simply accompanied by God’s strength and peace in a more
tangible way.
I’m still sensitive,
tender hearted and full of compassion for the suffering that we witness in the
world but I know that the suffering won’t always overcome me. I’m okay with my
directive to intercede and exhort. The prophetic is not a debilitating cloak
but a mantle that I honor in humility. I don’t know the details of my future
word for word but I’m okay with knowing that God has planned my life without
the aid of my micro-management.
Most of all, the thing that I’ve longed to feel for a long
time is AMAZINGLY evident to me now…
I am lovable and worthy
of honest, giving and fulfilling love. Nothing else will do.
If that doesn’t
cause my soul to do cartwheels, nothing else will…
Thank you Abba
One of the most
important things that you can do when suffering from depression or signs of
mental health issues is to reach out. Life can be traumatic but you do not have
to suffer alone in silence. If you can see yourself in Keith’s story of bipolar
schizophrenia, reach out. Ask for help from the closest person to you and don’t
stop until you get what you need. Fight to live because you are needed in this
world. You may be the answer to someone else’s problem one day. But first take
steps to take care of you.
If you can relate to
my personal story of feeling unlovable and rejected throughout your life, know this:
You are divinely loved by a living God who calls your name and reaches for you
daily. Answer Him, it will change your life. Tell people that you trust that
you need love, prayer and support. Watch the miraculous happen in the midst of
a common struggle.
Feel free to contact me through this blog if
you need to. I’m here.
Peace be with you…
