Hope from a sand dollar...

I’ve had writer’s block for months now, which for me, feels a lot like needing a good cry with blocked tear ducts. I’m not sure what bought it on exactly, except that I’ve felt overwhelmed with the sting and rip of the world’s current trauma and I have taken it all quite personally.  I don’t suspect that a person wants to take such things to heart (war, racism, oppression, murder etc…) it’s just the inundation and brutality of it all overwhelms us sensitive people. It feels a lot like having an angry parakeet on your shoulder repeating the tragedy of the day over and over in your ear. It’s maddening and sometimes inescapable. When that happens, I can’t write. I mean, I can scribble some quick thoughts to page and blurb about the reality of injustice, but I can’t be poetic and free flowing on a constant basis. This is quite painful to me.

But today, here on this beautiful island, I am free. My thoughts are chasing my fingers and I am young at heart in the free flowing nature of my poetic being. I am fearless and relentless and happy. Oh sweet quiet solitude of joy, how I miss you.

I took a walk on the beach with my son this morning and we found again, the reason why we keep returning back to the ocean.  Its expanse is breathtaking and reminds us of our small but significant place in this world. It reminds us to be grateful.

I stopped trusting humanity this year. I stopped believing that people really do want to come together to achieve peace and create a world for our children that will be better than what we have. I stopped believing that racism, sexism and all the all other isms were losing ground and slowly dying.  I shied away from people with extreme views on the world that just didn’t seem realistic in nature. We all can’t be the same. How hard is that to fathom? Yet, that seems to be the main bone of contention within humanity.  If you think like me, worship like me, politicize like me, then you are right like me. I swear that will be on a t-shirt soon enough.  So I began to dread people and their voices and commentaries about morality in an immoral and wounded world. 

From deep inside of me, rising slowly but surely, was a shock-wave of anger which announced itself in verbiage wrapped in thunder, sounding something like: “JUST BE THE DAMNED THING YOU CLAIM IS RIGHT AND JUST!!! JUST LIVE IT AND STOP TRYING TO ENFORCE IT!!!” That’s what I want to tell zealots in any form.  Nothing good ever comes from force. Deep sigh.  Those words have been brewing within me for some time. I’m freer now because they are outside of me and not locked up anymore.

As we walked along the beach this morning, we approached a lady and her dog. I wanted to turn and go the other way (because I wanted to avoid the people thing) but we were too close and it would have been obvious. Right before she got to us, she bent down and picked up what I thought was a seashell and walked towards us. She stretched out her hand and said “This is a sand dollar, take it back with you and dry it in the sun. This can be your souvenir from Emerald Isle.”  Humanity…just when I think I have you pegged, you change the game on me.

Trust is subjective…

Table for 1...

I’ve come to an interesting discovery at this moment in my life; being afraid of being alone is much like fearing the dark. They both hold a certain ominous uncertainty that depending on our age or maturity level can get the best of us. If we concentrate on the unknown possibilities too long, we will panic and react.

Sometimes, we make life changing decisions based on the fear of being alone. We say “yes” when we should say “no”.  The idea of being by ourselves seems terrifying, which leads us to say yes with a maybe heart. Yes, you can call me. Yes, I’ll go out with you again. Yes, I…like you. Yes, we can get together. Yes, I’ll join the committee. There can be an endless cycle of yes’s that keep us from our true self and honest desires, but make us feel temporarily accepted and wanted.

The problem is that most of us were never taught that not going to the party or not having a date can be a good thing. As children it was considered unhealthy not to be a part of the group on a constant basis. Sometimes we were verbally rewarded because of how many friends we had. We wore being a part of the crowd as a badge of honor.  Nurturing a sense of self was not heard of in my generation, as much as it can be discussed now. Independent thinking was not at all encouraged, unless it was posed as the question: “If everyone else jumped off a bridge, would you?” We were only expected to think for ourselves when it came to avoiding bad behavior, not when it came to being self entertained or introverted, independent thinkers.

Such introspection has led me to a refreshing discovery over this past year.  I have found being alone, whether I am at the movies, a restaurant or shopping, is exactly what I need in my life at this time.  I’ve spent too much of my life trying to replace relationships that I’ve lost in my younger years due to either death or separation, with people that could never fill those places.  I have searched for family members in friends wanting to create what I’ve missed out on for so long.  That sense of neediness has cost me dearly.  Because when we’re looking for fulfillment in other human beings, we don’t see clearly that the people that we are choosing to spend time with, may not be the best or healthiest choice for us.  We end up trusting the wrong people and sharing a part of ourselves with someone who does not merit that privilege. 

 I finally came to a place where I no longer needed individual or group validation.  What I needed was a respite from wanting to always be part of the crowd, women’s group, coffee time etc… I needed time to hear my own thoughts, pray my own prayers and be content with me. I’m not saying that I will never again have a ‘girl’s night out’ or a road trip with friends, but what I am saying is that I can plan my life and my fun with or without those possibilities. There will probably always be that part of me that prefers my own silence over the voice of others... most days.

Don't get me wrong, I love good company and I've had some great friendship experiences through the years. I like laughing and exchanging thoughtful ideas. I love the concept of being in a close knit community of diverse people from all walks of life and maybe one day that will happen for me again on a deeper level.  If it does, I will treat it as a gift and have all the more to offer because of the journey that I was willing to take alone to discover the beauty of being me…