This new
peace is kind of weird and takes getting used to…but I love it.
My inherited
temperament
I've never
been low keyed. I've always wanted to be and I've admired low keyed people all
of my life. But I was born a ‘live wire’ always popping, shocking and burning
anyone who got too close to me. I would swear, if anyone could attest to it,
that I didn't come out crying like a normal baby, but I came out swinging and crying. At birth, I was already
agitated at being handled too much.
Change
For the past
several months, I have had an ongoing battle with the inner calm that God was
trying to draw from me. I wanted more of it and since I've experienced it
incrementally throughout the past few years, I craved it. The problem was, I
had no idea that you had to go through hell to get to it.
It seemed
that my “island of tranquility” (or the peace that God wanted me to experience
on a permanent basis) was situated right on the other side of the most shark
infested choppy waters you could imagine. In short, I had to dredge through the
heavy weighted nuances of my past once and for all.
The lover of
my soul said: “You can swim through this.” Part of me felt like this was an
unfolding plan for Him to take me home sooner than expected, so I stood on
shore for just a while longer. I was praying for courage. I was praying for
another way to go home. I was praying for a more beautiful ending. Finally,
when none of those prayers seemed to be answered, I knew that I had to jump in
and start swimming and I did.
With all of
the finesse of a petrified land lover, I began chopping at the waves. I was
making horrible progress and smacking at any perceivable object that was in my
path. I was calling for help, yet too afraid to trust it at the same time. I
was in panic mode.
Still,
because of how He is and who He is, God honored my effort to cross this storm
and just when I was going down for the last time…He reached in and saved
me…again.
I am now of the mindset that we are allowed
to be saved by grace multiple times until we leave this earth and each time
will be as beautiful and as new as the last.
In the midst
of one of the worse panic attacks that I've had in months, I heard God’s voice
say: “This is a test and I will not let you fail.” Honestly, when He said that,
I was failing badly and I didn’t know how to stop myself…but God didn't seem
too upset about that.
God being a Daddy
I always loved those Dads on TV who
never seemed to get too angry at their kids, no matter what they did. I thought
it was amazing how they could sit calmly and rationally while giving discipline
and direction. I wondered why more Dads weren't like that, until I started
calling God “Abba” which means “Daddy” in Aramaic. When I started relating to
God as Abba, my relationship with Him changed dramatically and I noticed that
His responses to me were far gentler than I had realized before. The ironic
thing was, I waited for His disposition toward me to change into full blown
anger and sometimes rejection, but so far, that doesn't seem to be His
parenting plan. How I love Abba…
The journey
God’s rescue
for me consisted of an intense mouth to heart resuscitation for about four
days. On the second day, (which was a Saturday) He told me that I would be okay
by day three.
During the
course of those days I experienced emotional vomiting like I have never
experienced before. Childhood, teenage years, adulthood, relationships, issues
with my parents (namely my Dad) my sisters, the church, other Christians, as
well as from marriage to motherhood, nothing was off limits.
He promised
me that His voice would stand above all the other voices in my life, if I would
just focus in on it. Every day, I tried hard to cling to His words and let all
other opinions go, which was a huge feat for someone who wanted approval so
badly. It was gut wrenching change and I needed it fast, or I wasn’t going to
make it.
The other side
By day
three, I was fully functional. It was incredible. I had spent three intense
days in emotional detox reading three specific scriptures a day (I still do)
and receiving literal breath from God to supplement my shallow breathing…and
this day, this third day, I emerged victorious with my hand still clutching
Abba’s. I am now on the other side experiencing a miraculous emotional healing.
Every day I am becoming freer.
The path
ahead is filled with life’s uncertainties and the circumstances that surround
me have not changed much in the natural, but what makes all the difference in
the world, is a healed mind and a fresh perspective. I will live, with my hand
in Abba’s, a gentler, more peaceful and loving spirit and that is all I've ever
wanted in my whole life.
Faithful God
We say “God
is faithful” out of habit at times, but it takes a real breaking of the will to
find out how true this really is. Deuteronomy 31:6 says: Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of
them, for the LORD your God goes with you, He will never leave you nor forsake
you. This was Moses encouraging the people of Israel that God was with them
in a time when fear and uncertainty could have easily taken over and defeated
them. This scripture is no less relevant in our lives today. Fear and discouragement
can be a prevailing constant for us, which can stand in the way of overcoming
life’s hardest difficulties. But when God Himself promises that He will be with
us always and we hold on to that truth for dear life…there is no way that we
can fail. We will truly get to the other side…
*I want to note that
the components of this rescue have been building up for years and years. All it
took was a crises (which God allowed) to bring on the full blown healing. I
want to make sure that no one reads this and walks away with the idea that
life’s biggest problems can be solved in just a few days or so. The time frame
of healing is up to God. We can delay it by the way that we perceive His help
however, so be sure to know His voice and fall in love with His heart. Finally, I want you to know that it doesn't matter what you view a crisis to be or what scale that you weigh it on, if it
hurts us, God wants to heal us and He doesn't measure or discard our pain based
on a scale of 1 to 10.
